- Rob: "You haven't done anything like that? Carry drug money?"
- Me: "Nope."
- Rob: "Made out with another girl, killed anyone?"
- Me: "...I never killed anyone."
- Rob: "What about the other part?"
- Me: "She was cute, curvy, had this little giggle and her nose would wrinkle when she smiled. It didn't work out."
- Rob: "..."
- Me: "Ever make out with another guy?"
- Rob: "No."
- Me: "Liar, you were in the military. I don't even want to know what you've done with someone else's penis."
Remember how I had this huge bill last month for the water/sewer and they had to come take a look at it.
Well I just got my bill for this month and I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry.
My bill is two dollars and eighty-eight cents.
I am cackling.
Just helped Samm build a theoretical case study for class based on Jefferson and Grace while watching a Once Upon a Time marathon.
All night work sessions with netflix yay.
- *Mom, Dad, and Samm in the parlor, I'm in the kitchen with a glass of wine*
- Mom: "Samantha, we need your list for the invitations."
- Samm: "I have my list--you don't even have the invitations picked out!
- Me: *to myself* "I'm hungry."
- Mom: "Samantha, I showed you invitations the other night, and you didn't like any of them."
- Samm: "That was the first time you showed me anything, the wedding is in May."
- Mom: "We told you, we would pay for the invitations, we can get them done professionally, but you need to sit down with us and tell us what you want."
- Me: *opens freezer* "Hmm."
- Mom: "My mother had nothing to do with my wedding, she didn't even come. I want to do everything."
- Dad: "Honey, you can't do everything."
- Samm: "Mom, this isn't your wedding!"
- Me: *from kitchen* "Hay, I'mma make steak, who wants some?"
- Mom: "What?"
- Samm: *laughing*
- Mom: *comes to kitchen* "You're making what? At eleven at night?"
- Me: "I know you got steak around here somewhere."
- Samm: "Jess, we just ate two pounds of chicken wings."
- Me: "STEAK. What is wrong with you? Everyone needs steak."
- Samm: "Mom, this isn't your wedding. Besides, we still need to go out and buy my dress."
- *Everyone to parlor, including me*
- Mom: "You still need a pastor."
- Me: "I'm ordained."
- Samm: "I'm talking to Lee Ann, she's going to get back to me."
- Me: "Rob and I just got married last week by the justice of the peace."
- Mom: *starts crying*
- Me: "I'm kidding!"
- Dad: "Here I thought we were about to save a bunch of money."
- Samm: *laughs*
- Mom: *crying* "Don't joke about that!"
- Me: "Dad didn't seem to mind."
- Mom: "So do you want steak?"
- Me: "You would make me steak, really?"
- Mom: "I can fire up the grill easy, do you want steak?"
- Me: "Do YOU want steak? I mean, I'll eat steak if you want steak, like if Samm or Dad eats steak too then yeah, I'll eat one, but I don't want to eat one if no one else is, that's just rude."
- Samm: *laughing hysterically* "I love you."
- Me: "Do you want steak?"
- Samm: "JESS, WE JUST ATE TWO POUNDS OF CHICKEN WINGS."
- Me: "YOU ARE REALLY GOING TO DENY ME FOOD. REALLY?"
- Mom: "What about caterers, because that's what me and David's mother are supposed to do, we're supposed to go tasting and--"
- Me: "FUCK CAN I GO?"
- Samm: "Oh, God."
- Me: "I'mma RSVP with my dining option early, under chicken or fish I choose ALL OF THE ABOVE."
- Mom: *crying again* "I just want to be there for all you girls' weddings, Emily got married and divorced in Hawaii without a ceremony. I just want one of you guys to wear my wedding dress."
- Samm: "MOM, Emily and me are giants, there is no way we'd fit it."
- Mom: "I know, I just..."
- Me: "I'll wear it."
- Me: "Is it here or in storage?"
- Mom: "You'll wear it?"
- Me: "You'll make me steak?"
It’s a late night with tea, onigiri, dim sum, Persephone, and my thoughts.
I like who I am.
Apparently the laundry closet door came off the track, Robbie pulled it down and I have to put in a work order for it tomorrow.
But I’m so happy right now, I simply don’t give a shit.
- Rob: "Is it over?"
- Me: "No, it's intermission, there's a whole second act."
- Rob: "The music is back on."
- Me: "Yeah it's the second act overture, this is when they blink the lights in the..."
- Rob: *glares* "I want to snuggle later, damnit."
- Me: "I WILL CULTURE YOU."
Oh. Oh why did I do that?
Ma. I’mma kill you. I go to your house, let you fill me up with wine, and then let you suggest friends for me on FB.
People I’ve cut all ties with.
And then I accept the request on my phone because you’ve gotten me drunk.
And now I’m suffering through an awkward conversation.
Campbell is coming in tomorrow. I almost forgot.
This will be exciting.
- Samm: My first word was "Mommy".
- Me: I didn't talk much at all in the beginning, mine was "delicious" by the time I said anything.
- Samm: ...And that is why you're the writer.